Well the All ACC Team came out today, and you will notice that my main man Cullen "Heisman '08" Harper is on the second team. Honestly, I wasn't that disappointed even though Cullen has more overall Touch Downs with 30 (27 Pass and 3 Rush) to Matt Ryans 28. Even though at 6 to Matt Ryan’s 16, he has 72.5% less interceptions. Yes and even though he has a better QB rating, 146.9 to Matt Ryan’s 130.7. Even with all of these stats, I wasn't shocked with the pick of Matt Ryan, over Cullen, I expected it. What did shock me was the Clemson was totally snubbed on First team Defense. Not one player from the Nations Number 5 Defense made the cut. Perhaps the Tigers don't have any singular statistical studs, but they got heart bose.
Speaking of stats, I rather enjoyed this article from The Big Lead in regard to kicking to Devin Hester. Unless you have been living under a TBS' Move & a Make Over ("Snow Day" is actually Pretty Sweet) you will realize the Devin Hester is one of the most dynamic special teams players ever. The Big Lead Writers take an ESPN columnist to task because he says that you would be better off kicking to Hester then Kicking away from Hester based on starting field position. Basically, if you kick away from Hester the Bears average starting spot is 5 yards better. The Big Lead argues that 5 yards with Rex Grossman at the helm doesn't mean a thing.
Enough summary, you can read the article by pressing the link. I would like to throw my analogous hat into the ring. This argument (Kicking To Hester is more effective then not) is like saying with the game on the line, you should make sure Michael Jordan Gets the ball behind the 3 Point arc because his career average is .327 so there is a 77.3 percent chance he will miss the shot. Irregardless of stats, i am guessing that Broncos Fans are wishing they had kicked the ball away from Hester yesterday as he accounted for two touchdowns in an overtime game.
Welcome back Ricky Williams . Six carries, fifteen yards, a lost fumble and a hurt shoulder have what this mini article calls "Pseudo-intellectuals" reeling. Luckily, our league doesn't have any Holden Caulfield loving PI's.
I am thinking about organizing a Ski trip this Christmas, anyone interested?
Yes, it is Are-Kan-Saw Mr. Miles, a team you just got D'ed by. Yet despite losing to an unranked team, LSU only falls four spots to number 5. Why doesn't VT leap LSU after beating Virginia, a ranked team? Oh, thats right, because Les Miles is a magic man. Well, lets see if Mr. Miles can trick his way past Tennesee with his INT (11) prone QB, Matt Flynn.
In regard to Darren McFadden winning the Heis-dog, he's has had a great season, in fact, he has had a season almost identical to Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman winning season. But in order to give McFadden the Heisman, the powers that be would have to ignore TT's 51 touchdowns and nearly 4,000 yards. This could happen though, because the powers that be are dumbos. They are like Lucas in awe of an effing Cicada with bad quarterbacks.
Girl: Ewww, What is that? The Dumbos: That's a Colt Brennan, he has 33 Touch Downs against formidable opponens such as Northern Colorado, Utah State, and San Jose State. He is a Heisman Contender baby! Girl: But he plays in the WAC, get rid of him! The Dumbos: You won't see another one like him for seventeen years. Girl:: Wow, your really know how to find a hidden gem.
(Oh yeah Lucas, I'll never see one again for another 17 years? How about the 17 million buzzing around this joint right now. They're effing everywhere!)
If TT doesn't win this year, it will be worse then 2001 when another Gator sophomore with excellent numbers lost the Heisman to an opponent with inferior numbers. EC had more INT's then passing TD's...look it up bo. (OK, so he had 18 rushing TD's. Still did not equal RG's stats.)
The point is, giving the H-dog to anyone besides TT would be like giving the MVP to Joe Addai instead of LT last season in the NFL. If TT doesn't win the H-dog, the Dumbos will be in effect, "Giving Him the business:" (42 seconds in)
Hello all of you loyal readers out there, and a happy thanksgiving to you all. Many people would choose this moment to bid adieu with an Adam Sandler Video, but in the Awesome household my uncle Chris Cross tells us a story each thanksgiving. It all began in 1992, when after The Kriss Kross Album Totally Krossed Out began to sell like Gangbusters and my Uncle Chris Cross didn't have the time or the attitude for that matter, to wear his clothes backwards and refer to things as "Wiggity-Wack."
So, in order to reclaim his name, he began to tell this story.
Uncle Chris Cross: Gather round. Listen, It is the night, and my body is weak. I am on the run, and I don't have any time to sleep. Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Uncle Chris Cross, why are you speaking in the present? Aren't stories supposed to take place in the past? Uncle Chris Cross: Good question Sir Awesome, very intuitive. I can see why the queen decided to Knight you at such a young age now. Well, I am speaking grammatically incorrectly because I want you to feel like you are there, like the story is happening right now. Sir Awesome Circa 1994: You could have said "Dramatic Effect" to sum it up Uncle Chris Cross. Uncle Chris Cross: Shut up Sir Awesome. You might be a 10 year old Knight, but I wrote the Theme to "Arthur." Dudley Moore is an American Icon. Now, where was I. Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Your on the run, your weak and you can't sleep. Uncle Chris Cross: Right, I remember it now. I have got to Ride like the wind to be free again, because I have such a long way to go to make it to the border of Mexico. Sir Awesome Circa 1994: What's in Mexico? Uncle Chris Cross: I am getting there Jerk! Ok, so I am not sure if you know this, but I am the sun of a lawless man. Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Grandpa? Uncle Chris Cross: Yes, Grandpa. Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Grandpa was a cop, so in actuality, he was full of law, he was a law-FUL man. Uncle Chris Cross: Listen Sir Awesome, you don't know him like I do, and he is a bad mofo. You weren't around in the 70's when the Fit hit the Shan. Anyway, because your grandpa was such a lawless man, I always spoke with a gun in my hand. I have lived nine lives and gunned down ten. I'm going to ride like the wind. Sir Awesome Circa 1994: This story sucks. By the way, Uncle Chris, my mom says that its your job to warm up the casserole right mom? Sir Awesome's Mom: That's right sweetie, Warm it up Chris. Uncle Chris Cross: I'm about to. Sir Awesome: My dad says you aren't good at cooking and that you won't be able to, Warm it up Chris Uncle Chris Cross: That's what I was born to do!
And here is Chris Cross Telling his tale of flying like the wind:
and the SCTV classic to take us out...
Happy Thanksgiving Bose. If you have to drive this Holiday season, for god sakes stop using your I Phone to look up your bosses fiancés name on their wedding website. Oh, and guy discreetly putting on deodorant in the left lane, don’t do that please! But, if you are say sitting in the front seat, if you are someone’s passenger, be sure to Ride like the wind!
So, I guess I should start with Clemson. Eff You Clemson. You got my hopes up and brought me back down to earth in the course of three hours. During the first drive, I was booking my plane tickets to Jax, but you toyed with me so. Sacking the es out of Matt Ryan, who is in fact KJ's (KJ Ryan is my college roommate) cousin who pees the bed if he has too many Pepsi’s):
So, the ultimate db beat the ultimate BF (Bowden Failure). Now Tiger Fans have The Gamecocks to look forward too. With a name like "Gamecock," you would think that making fun of them would be quite easy. If I called somebody a Gamecock, they would probably offer me a sandwich. A knuckle sandwich that is. I almost feel like I should write GC instead of Gamecock for our younger readers. Seriously bose, WTF is a gamecock? A rooster that fights? According to Wikipedia "A gamecock is a strong, colorful, and territorial type of rooster, or fowl, bred for cockfighting." I wish the symbol that encompassed my own institution of higher learning was bred for cockfighting also. You don't see enough cock fights these days, what’s that? Oh, cockfighting is illegal in 47 states? Wow. Where is it legal? New Mexico, Louisiana, and Oklahoma? Well done Local Governments!
Ah, but I digress. So, Tiger Fans, are you ready for Click Clack? This shirt sure is. What the ef is this BS? "Choke: The official drink of South Carolina Football." I mean they call themselves "The Cocks" and you come up with some lame rhyme joke? How about this shirt I just made up in my head (Sir Awesome is just that good): . "Cocks: Thats what you guys are." I think my shirt is much more poignant. Besides, the other shirt isn't even accurate because everyone knows that the official drink of South Carolina football is Cheerwine.
No sir, they sure don't sound like they are from Charlotte. For all you "Yankees" who have never had the pleasure of enjoying Cheerwine, it isn't some drink that predators bring to intoxicate there potential victims...
Chris Hansen: "I see you brought some, Cheer Wine? What is that, a wine made for kids like those flavored camel cigarettes? What do you have planned here?" Predator: "Nah bo, it aint like that. You wouldn't understand, it’s a Carolina thing." Chris Hansen: "Are these nude photos you sent this young girl a Carolina thing also? My name is Chris Hansen, and we're doing a show about people who try to have relations with minors." Predator: "Now wait just a second here. She said she was fourteen." Chris Hansen: "That's correct." Predator: "Well you must not be familiar with the Constitution of South Carolina. Most notably section 33."
SC CONSTITUTION SECTION 33. Age of consent. -- No unmarried woman shall legally consent to sexual intercourse who shall not have attained the age of fourteen years. (1999 Act No. 3, Section 1, eff February 16, 1999)
Again, I digress. Many apologies. Cheerwine is drink found almost exclusively in the south. It tastes sort of like carbonated cough medicine, and the brilliant sales people behind the pitiful punch, have eliminated the north east as a potential soda drinking demographic.
Ok, so Clemson lost. Cullen, you are not the man now dog. Nor are you a swan that should be feared as daddy Harper said.
Next topic. The Ravens. I must admit, despite the loss, 2nd half Kyle Boller wasn't half bad. He was no super hero out there but he certainly played much better then Air Mac, the anti-hero. Maybe we should pick up McNabb in two years and McNair and McNabb can open a restaurant called McNo Gouda.
Woe is me, the Ravens just got swept by the Cleveland Browns. I wondered why the Browns think of themselves as Dogs. Again, i called onWikipedia, who advised that a
"fan contest was conducted to determine the name of the team, with the most popular choice being "Panthers." However, Brown objected to the name after finding out it had been used by a semipro team in the city—one that had a reputation as a chronic loser. This prompted a second contest to choose a name befitting a champion.[1] The Browns say this contest yielded the nickname "Brown Bombers"—after reigning heavyweight champion Joe Louis—and was shortened to "Browns" for the convenience of headline writers. However, to this day, rumors persist that the team was named after Paul Brown himself."
So, no reference to dogs there. In fact the same Wikipedia article also advised that for a time, the Browns were represented by "Brownie the Elf." So, instead of "The Dog Pound" I suppose that Browns fans should be in "Santa's Work Shop."
So, we have the chargers next, and its funny because Phil drop the (ip) Rivers reminds me of an elf. More specifically Herbie the elf who wants to be a dentist in "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." The Chargers just lost to Jax, and the fans are wondering, why did we fire a coach who had us at 14-2? I really hope we beat these DB's and that LT throws some touchdown passes to AG. (Fantasy points bose). The good thing is, I will be in Costa Rica when the Patriots D up the (Insert Crappy NFC Team Here) in the Superbowl this year. Go 2008 Ravens. Can we start trading up now to get Tebow in the 2009 draft?
Seriously folks, 20 rushing teeds and 26 passing teeds and people are like, "Matt Ryan, is Heisman candidate" or "That Chase Daniel is something else." ESPN even lists Dennis Dixon as the Heisman front runner at the time this entry "went to press." DOUBLE EWE TEE EFF. If the Heisman was given in the NFL these dolts would probably say “I like that Tony Romo Fellow, with Matt Hasselbeck a close second and Tom Brady bringing up the rear in third.” Now I know TT wears Jorts but he effing awesome. He is going to D up the SEC next year. Fortunately for another College roommate Doug "The Natural Disaster" Flood, I think the Gators have another championship in them...or two...
On a side note, I also learned that "Choke" is the official drink of FSU Football. More evidence that Cheerwine and not "Choke" is the official drink of South Carolina Football. When I wrote to the T shirt people for a comment in regard to their fact checking, the T-Shirt people sent me back this shirt:
I would like to leave you with this commercial that I see about 13 times during any given television watching session for the Hybrid Ford Escape.
I think the commercial should have played out like this: Dad: "This is a Hybrid." Daughter: "It is?" Dad: "How old are you again?" Daughter: "13." Dad: "And you haven't noticed the word "Hybrid" all over the car?" Daughter: "No, I guess I haven't." Dad: defeated sigh
Anybody else watching Arizona D up "#2" Oregon? My favorite part of the game? Learning that Ryan Leaf hasa brother (Brady Leaf is in to spell an injured Dixon).
I was thinking about the Plight ofthe raves, and I think that Ray Lewis should come out to the sweet sounds of The APP instead of Phil collines:
Holy heck! ESPN is ruining my life. I turned on “College Football Live” To hear about my main man Cullen Harper. Instead, the Defensive Backs at ESPN are dedicating about three hours to Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez, two people that I couldn’t care less about. Behind the music KNOTB would be more intriguing then this drivel.
In regard to Bonds: Why the F are these guys so shocked that Barry Bonds took steroids? Have they been living in a hole for the past four years? No, they have been living in ESPN where they talk about BB more the Giuliani talks about 9/11 (whoa…political banter…watch out). Seriously though, who gives a flock? This would be like if Rolling Stone the magazine dedicated an entire issue to Keith Richards being indicted for excessive substance abuse.
In regard to the Rod: This is no news. So he gets paid a lot of money. The CEO of Goldman Sachs just took home 75 Million bucks, as a bonus, for one year. This was nothing but a footnote in a wall street journal article. I suppose a better example is Stan O’Neal from Merrill who walked with 161 Million, after being fired, since A-Rod is never going to win the Series. The point is, why do we have to talk about these two non-issues when CFB is at the peak of awesomeness?
Ok, I got that off my chest. ESPN has a temporary stay from my list of Defensive Backs because of the afore mentioned article about Cullen Harper. My favorite part is when Cullen’s Dad Jeff said that Cullen is “like a swan going across a lake. He looks beautiful, but don't push him too hard, because he'll come back at you." Who knew that Jeff Harper is a master of simile? The part of the article I hated was when the write captioned a photo saying that “Matt Ryan get [sic] all the pub, but Cullen Harper is putting up equally impressive stats.” Equally impressive? He has excessively superior stats bose. One third of the INT’s, a better passer rating, a better completion percentage, etc. That’s like saying, hey CM, I heard you saw “The Departed” and “Crossroads Featuring Britney Spears” what did you think of the two? “Equally Impressive.” I already know that the ES-PEN DB’s are going harp on Matt Ryan (Harp-Pun) and how good he is and how he came out of nowhere and how he gets good grades and how on Tuesdays he and his roommate eat a Boston Market because they like chicken, and isn’t Ironicthat they go to BC and eat at BM, and I will be yelling at the TV “That’s not Ironic, do you know what Ironic means?” Then they will continue on the incorrect aside. “Well its really not Ironic because BM started in Boston…” At some pint Matt Ryan will make an average skilled pass on a roll out to an open receiver due to some blown coverage and they will say “Are You Kidding Me?”
Even though all of that will transpire, I will be glued to the TV. They will show Tillman Hall:
How’s about them Raves…We are about as substantial as our namesake during his prime (EAP wasn’t successful in life uneducated bose) however what we lack in playoff contention, we make up for in Hilariousness…
Seriously, sucking at Pro football has given me my life back. I pay attention to my children on Sundays…I am not hung-over at work on Monday and Tuesdays and best of all, I can enjoy the fighting Tigers of CLEMPSON again. C-L-E-M-P-S-O….roll that hand…NNNN. Seriously folks, its about time we beat Boston College and win the ACC title.
I thought about heading down to old CLEMPSON for some Triple T’s, (Tiger Town Tavern: a local establishment offering beer and wine) I think my friend Nick Post has been in there playing trivia for the past seven years (go streak).
Or perhaps TD’s (Touch Downs for the lay person) Another fine establishment featuring fun fights and my favorite fandom!
And so you will note that Gameday has chosen OSU Michigan for their location this week and is it any wonder why?
Seriously folks, should the premier game of the week feature two oddly ranked teams coming off pathetic losses?
Team one is Michigan, possibly the worst story in History. You couldn’t sell this story to the networks engulfed in the writers strike (I have hilarious and concrete thoughts about this so called strike to follow…if you didn’t already know, “ Dancing With the Stars is Number 1 this entire season by a lot…well done over-paid under-talented writers. The Studios are in the midst of hiring Brits who are 17.5 times funnier anyway. Oh, how will they write “The Office?” The way it was intended to be written, funny.)
Team two is OSU, who jus got Juiced! These guys are about as good as the Browns Scale: LSU = Colts Gators = Patriots in ’06 – watch the F out Bose!
The point is, that we should all join the CM in rooting on those Clempson Tigers. If the Tigers win, Con Man and his good friend Kahn Mahn, have pledged to ditch work, board a sailboat headed for destiny and watch those Tigers destroy the Hokies upon the Only North American River which flows from south to north (St. Johns River moron, what were you raised by river hating defensive backs?)
Its November folks, so let’s talk turkey. I am pretty sure that all your defensive backs have been riding the ESPN train of D, buying the BS that Matt Ryan is among the Heisman elite. I even heard somebody say the M.R. is going to be drafted by Miami. I can’t say it surprises me as most of you think the Phil (lose the ip) Rivers is Batman Jr.
(On a side note, PR, and the Chargers are like the Backstreet boys without JT. They make some crappy romantic comedy (“On the Line”) and spend their BSB royalties checks on failed space attempts.)
Needless to say, I am not an MR fan. CFB analysts seem to flock to the QB on any undefeated team and brand him as a Heisman Candidate. Well, the fact is, that Matt Ryan is not the best player in CFB, he is not the best QB in CFB, he isn’t even the best QB in the ACC. Not only does Cullen’s TD to INT ratio blow MR’s out of the water, his QB rating and completion percentage does also. All the while, being sacked twice as much. That’s right folks, CH doesn’t have 3 minutes to throw the ball every time. So not only is CH a better player, lets face it, Cullen Harper is just ultimately...sweeter...
...and immediately berates them in a condescending tone.
NG: "Hello boy baby, what do you think about Lindsay Lohan drinking underage?" BB: (Crying) no audible words. NG: "Whaa, Whaa, cry baby. Girl Baby, do you think Britney Spears should be aloud to take care of people your age or slightly older?" GB: (Crying) NG: "More of the same eh Girl baby? That’s a compound cry! You have already disappointed me. I feel like you are already sixteen and we are discussing your impending DUI trial. Doc, hey Doctor. What are the chances of getting a TV crew in here? I heard George Clooney and Fabio got in a shoving match and I am dying to get some Law Experts on the phone to ask them meaningless questions in order to belittle them in front of a modest cable audience."
Hello all you three people who read this Blog...Are you upset because Peyton Manning runs your life? Down in the dumps because the P-Man invades your living room without cause or warning during every seven minutes?
Well...how about dem Ravens Bo? Who could have thought that a 13-3 season would be followed by this disdainful poor excuse for a bad team? Such bliss from a year ago has been met with utter blithe. I have gotten to the point where I no longer care if the Ravens win or lose…Who am I kidding? Oh raucous Ravens, please return to mediocre form. I knew I should have liquidated my Stock Portfolio and invested it in the T-Shirts I saw at Artscape, “He may not be a pro bowler, but I’m Pro Boller.” Those babies are going to sell like hot cakes on Fat Tuesday. All of Bawl More is going to be wishing they had KB back, or even, dare I say it Trent Dilfer?
Let’s face it, Air McNair has been pumped so many times by the NFL that he is nothing but a once beloved cultural Icon.
I must admit, at first glance I too was enthralled by his airness. But know, every time our offense gets the ball I clench my teeth as if I am being forced to kiss a golden retriever (Sorry Molly). It’s not even that SM is old; he makes mental mistakes as if he were a rookie. When he lost his first fumble Monday night, it looked like he forgot he was being flushed from the pocket under pressure.
In all seriousness though, the Ravens poor season has caused a pit in my soul that can only be filled by…a cheeseburger. Not any cheeseburger though. I am so sick of those burgers with hot lettuce and tomato on top. If only there were a way to keep my meat and cheese hot and my vegetable/fruit (tomato is a fruit bro) combo cold. But how? A-ha! Perhaps if the burger delivery method had two separate compartments to keep the Meat hot and the Toppings cool, then I could winter the blustery storm of cold this football season has wrought in Baltimore.
