CM Dishes set Pumpkin for Halloween fun

I'm not quite sure how you spent your tuesday night but I....








Carved a Sick Pumpkin. Next on my carving list...47 Pumpkins expressing a sampling of Brian Billicks Facial Expressions during press conferences...

Your Here to F Us

NSFW Audio

Sunday In Review

Well, by now you all or settling into your pre-Monday depression modes. Barring a Week 7 like Seahawks defense performance, I just got D-ed up by Team Phillips... I'm watching the Red Sox grind out a World Series victory. .I am such a hypocrite that I f-ing hate the Red Sox but I love watching the Pats dominate the League. I would actually be happy if the Patriots won the next seven Superbowl’s and Roger Goodell would have to pay Tom Brady in Pirate Treasure to get him to retire so another team could win the big game. I think my hatred for the sox stems from the fact that the baseball season is ridiculously long. I feel like its spring training already and that guy from work is already talking about the “Bo-Sox,” but he is from Spartanburg South Carolina; stick to the River Dogs Boseph.


Thanks are in order as usual to The Big Lead for alerting me to the presence of this British Streaker. The NFL is trying to reach a whole new demographic of people outside the United States. If they are successful, NASCAR is sure to follow along with the phrase “GET ‘R DONE” replacing the current “Brilliant.”

The Tigers are back in the Top 25 setting up a late season melt down. I was impressed with our running game against Maryland’s pathetic Defense but with the Loss of Jacoby Ford, our best receiver and Future Olympian I worry that Tyler Grisham won’t be able to pick up the slack. The Tigers are famous for ending the season on a low note and it seems as if this year will be the same. Can I transfer my diploma to an SEC school purely for sports and keep my Clemson diploma for academic purposes?


The college B-Ball coaches’ poll came out and North Carolina is at the top of the heap. I think this is because Roy Williams keeps a copious amount of Coke around and Coke builds strong bones.



A-Rod Just D-ed up the Yankees bo’s. He opted out of his contract. This World Series is so boring that the announcers are zooming in on John Henry who is smiling and talking on the phone and wondering if he is going to acquire the Rod. Maybe he’s smiling because he is about to win the World Series Joe Buck.

Gators Not looking so hot...

Cocktail party was a bust yesterday for Te Bro and Co.

This video relates to the Auburn game:

I wish there was a transcript to go along with this video. I personally Like "Get lod you GD college Kids, you f-ing drink all the time down there...get f-ing loud."

Sunday Sunday Sunday (Extreme Video Edition)

Ok. So the manager’s league not was pretty disparaging to Mr. Childress Childs. But as the old Song goes….



I used to have the video of this game, and the pile on was fantastic. One player actually ran over to the pile on and completely faked it. He sort of patted somebody’s back and gave him a hug. Priceless stuff.

High School still runs my life as you all know, I call you for money on a quarterly basis, and then I take that money and use it to buy turf fields. EMH and I were just at the old glorious SP and the girls school is turfing the S out of the place. Eventually the entire campus is going to be turf so when they send recruiters to the MYLA all star game they can say, "wouldn’t you rather go to a school made up of 100% turf?" Talk about competitive advantage.

Typical Sunday Ramblings:

Come on Kahn Mahn, Sing it with me…



Come on Kahn Mahn, Say it with me:

Virgacolamento Flagantonio

No Way, thats a Touch Down! Tigers Win! Tigers Win!

Not those Tigers bo's...The Trinity Tigers

Blah

The Hokies D is totally d-ing up Matt Ryan but they only lead 7-0 at the half. Matt Ryan is Ryan Leaf Jr. by the way. His career will not even amount to that of RL's.

RL:


NCAA analysts are going to JO when they talk about him this spring, so I am taking bets from all you MKJ (Calvert Hall Alum) deciples on the over under for Matt Ryans NFL Games Started: 37.

F U Mass Holes

1.Redsox Win '07 World Series
2. Patriots win '08 NFL Championship (barring Peyton Manning Jeff Gillooly Scenario)
3. Celtics Got KG
4. BC is undefeated (Until Eddie Royal takes a d on their c's)
5. I understand that you have an accent, but don't be so f-ing overzealous...your dropping your 'R's like the guy at work who says "I'm so sick, god, why did I come to work today, blah blah blah."
6. Your getting Free furniture to top it off?

I first heard about this story on Marketplace and now I have seen DB bloggers talking about thi son the net. "Man, you bet 500 on the sox to win "Say they make $1000 in revenues. Bet $500 on Sox... if Sox win, they get (at current 6/1 odds) $3000 on their bet minus the $1000 they owe back to people. If Sox lose, they get the $1000 revenues less the $500 wager. Can't lose..." Hi, how about an insurance policy for a fraction of the cost, not 505 of revenues. Do you understand the principle of cash flows?

Needless to say, I am still reeling from my Get this Popcorn Machine Free if the Baltimore Stallions win the 1996 Grey Cup...

This video is so f-ing aggressive...

If this video doesn't get you ready for Sunday then you don't have a pulse. The utter power of Phil Collins' lyrics along with Don Johnson’s dramatic delivery, are absolutely excellent. Any young red blooded venison jerky eating male would be absolutely fired up by this clip. If you drink seven raw eggs for a mid afternoon snack at work and call your fellow employees DB's when they walk by and this vide doesn't make you excited, you better up the ante on the old oral egg elixir. Remember that scene in Rocky four when does runs to the top of that mountain, and everyone presupposes it’s because his love for Apollo Creed, but in actuality it’s because he watched this video...

"The Time is Now, The Place is Now."

BTW, a place cannot be now. Thanks GMAT!...Well, If you haven't heard, Mr. Mazzone has been fired. While the D's at the Baltimore Examiner assert that Mazzone "never had the chance to succeed" I beg to differ and point out his obvious character flaws (i.e. constantly rocking in dugout, bad grammar, etc.). If you are not familiar with The EX as us locals call the rag, it is the free newspaper run by a Crazy Maniac named Frank Keegan who said of pointing a shot gun at his neighbor holding a three year old child, “I found out you don’t have to commit a crime to be thrown in jail in Baltimore,”. I wish the Baltimore Sun article still existed on this one, because it was very well written. Needless to say, the sports writers at The EX are about as reliable as the Orioles bull pen going into the ninth with a lead.

The Author poorly argues that "Last Friday, the Orioles decided the services of perhaps the best pitching instructor of all-time were no longer needed..." I think the title of "perhaps the best pitching coaches of all time" might be a tad bit overzealous. Oh, and the writer should thank his editor for adding "perhaps," I am sure. Why exactly is Mazzone the best pitching coach of all time? Did he spawn Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux from his loins?

Mazzone had his shot and while everyone complains about Daniel Cabrera, DC he is likely to go the way of Jamie Moyer or David Wells no hitting the s out of someone AFTER departing from a lackluster O's career. Mazzone just couldn't get it done. The End. Pitch Swing Home Run...again.

PS s that picture ominous or what? Bruce Chen?
PSS: I was eating lunch with my bros at Taco Fiesta and we saw Erik Bedard and my bro Eman said "What's up man?" and EB said "What's up." Nice.

Stat Boy is Here to do two things, Drink Some beer and Embarrass TK

I came across this in an outdated Huffington Post article about the White Hose Correspondence dinner and I couldn't resist. SB is already more famous and wealthy then I will ever be, and in this pic, he looks like CM at mothers. Quote of the article has to be: "We have no business being here. The entire purpose is to get as drunk as we can as early as we can." - Not sure who to give credit to for that one as the HP article is rather Vague on this point. Anyway, This one is for you flommy...your love for SB is unrequited.

Jimmy Kimmel Banned from MNF

Salutations are in order to Sports Illustrated for illustrating this story with letters and words, which put together make paragraphs and stories. Jimmy Kimmel has been banned from Monday Night football for taking pot shots at Joe Theisman during the Broadcast. I really don't understand what the issue is. Kimmel was on the program for an extra, ordinary amount of time, and I know this because my bucket of tears and vomit was about six inches deeper then usual at the end of this 'Monday Night Football is hip with the Kids so we bring on awkward celebrities' portion of the program.

Granted, Kimmel was somewhat awkward and risqué for the usually mundane call of Mikey "That’s another First down" Tirico, Tony "The Patriots are here to win" Kornheiser and Ron "What the quarterback has to do is" Jaworski. But isn't that the whole point? Have they ever seen Jimmy Kimmel before? Did some executive at ESPN/ABC say,

ESPN Exec: We need another fresh hep cat to liven up the third quarter.
Smith: Hmm, how about David Palmer, #2 Ranked Squash Player in the world. He has one hell of a drop shot and, by how he can pin his opponents using the nick.
Espn Exec: No Smith, you idiot, these people don't play squash, they watch football, remember? (Silence)...You know I beat David Palmer one time down at the club.
Smith: No way!
ESPN Exec: yeah, he came up to ESPN to talk to us about televising squash. After I old him that the little people wouldn't watch the splendid sport, we went out for cocktails at the club. One thing led to another, and I had him on the court, drunk as skunk.
Smith: Genius sir.
Exec: Yes, yes, exploiting others low tolerance for alcohol, has served my self-esteem well. Just ask the Psi Gai Wai Sorority at Wesleyan, hahaha. But enough with the Chit chat. How are we going to fill that third quarter popular culture? Johnson, any ideas?
Johnson: Well, when I was buying my daughter and her friend’s alcohol I heard one of hem say that she would love to...well, you know, Jimmy Kimmel.
Exec: Excellent! Just the edge we need. Thanks to Johnson’s borderline child neglect, we've got our third quarter!

Though I digress. The point is, Caveat Emptor d's! Market research, Clauses, (contract clauses not Santa's relatives) will get you through this ish. If I was having a birthday part for my six year old son Jon (Jon Mon) I wouldn't book George Carlin to do stand up (I would book the drunk clown from Uncle Buck). If MNF had done any sort of research they would have realized that JK (KJ's Nemesis) came to fame by making prank phone calls and pissing people off. He is a comedian, he talks about things that are funny, (I.E. ESPN D's JT) If they didn't want him to be controversial, they should have A. Had Regis sit in the booth or B. Put a clause in some sort of contract depicting what he wasn't permitted to say. I didn't see any awkward faced intern with a hook off stage left did you? Besides this is the MO of this Awkward MNF celebrity third quarter. Hence the Bucket...


Overall, I didn't care for the third quarter. Not because I thought Kimmel was offensive or classless. Frankly I think that sports time is sports time. No need to muck it up with stumbling celebrities who lack basic sports knowledge. When I want to watch a movie, I make it a Blockbuster night. When I want to drink to much and have an excuse to tell my wife, I watch football. When the waiter brings out chocolate cake I don't ask for a side of Broccoli, its cake time baby. So, ESPN, kindly ban ALL celebrities from my football watching experience and let me be tortured by traditional football hyperboles. Just banning Jimmy Kimmel for tipping the scales of classlessness by the ESPN Standard is out right despicable. I mean Kimmel? It could have been so much worse. Have you met Tom Cruise before?



"So I said, sure, I love Redskin football, why not take a game in. But enough about me and the love of my Life Katie Holmes, star of Dawson’s creek and future mother of my baby... What are you doing here with your bad self? I heard your gonna be in the booth during the third quarter, mixing it up with the guys. Talking about guy stuff like beer and football on racing cars. Can I come?"

Oh Boy...

Other Famous Headlines:










Spears to Fans: Drugs were Publicists idea.


Ben Afflecks Career to his bank account: Gigli was Bens Idea.




Coke to Investors: Formula Change was "New's" Idea






Bill Gibson (from HLATN) to Kids: White shirt, white shorts and a red glove was "80's Decade" Idea .

Sticking with the AP heme...

Do you like Huey Lewis and the news?
Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humour.

Shameless Weekend Agenda Promotion

Hello friends, comrades, compatriots, colleagues etc. I'm not sure if you have ever heard of the Band "Perpetual Groove" but they f-ing rock. Do you know what it felt like to Buy Google at $85.00? This guy sure didn't get on the Google train. "So I'll repeat what I said three weeks ago. This price is insane. And anyone buying Google as a long-term investment at $109.40 will lose money." Does this guy still have a job? You'd be better off investing your bimonthly paycheck evenly in CM'S locks of the week...




CM: "Listen bro, listen, you can't go wrong with the Gators bro, TT is the Man! This is a buy one, get one free National Championship season..."

"You mean you bet on the fight in Rocky III and you bet against Rocky?"


In any regard, coming to see Perpetual Groove at Towson Recher Theatre on Friday October 26th is like investing in your coolness down the road. Anyone know some guy who always brags about seeing a band "before they were big." Your standing in a crowd at Nissan Pavilion and some bro behind you wearing not one but TWO Collared shirts (the value of his outfit is $75.00 +$75.00 x cci (consumer coolness ratio) +51 BPS (the extra fifty one bips are tacked on because he has a surf rack on his SUV but he actually surfs)). He turns to you and says "Hey Bro, I saw O.A.R. at a Bull Riding Ring in Clemson before they were big bro.
<-The Original Two Collar Shirt Combo



Perpetual Groove is a solid Jam Band from Augusta Georgia who met at SCAD (MICA's enemy - ask my cousin, a admissions counselor/recruiter for MICA). They are an excellent band and someday soon they are gonna be Widespread Panic big bros. You can tell the freshman in your frat when you back to visit in five years that while they may catch he fancy of attractive young women, live off of their parents income and get smashed every night devoid of consequences, you saw P-Groove at a small venue such as "The Recher Theatre." they will bow to you and your overpriced luxury vehicle in awe.


Bro 1: "I heard that dude makes like Thirty Seven Thousand Dollars a year bro. That’s twice my monthly Stipend."
Bro 2: "You call your allowance your Monthly Stipend?"
Bro 1: "Yeah Bro."
Bro 2: "That's sweet Bro."



If that coolness argument doesn't sway you, just listen to the band and make the CM choice. CM bought tickets for his Fiancé and he, but his Fiancé will be in Charleston South Carolina,
one of the few places I know you where can buy a book called "The South Was Right." Actually Chuck Town as they call it is quite charming and fun and I wish My Fiancé a wonderful time, but I need to recruit some bos to go to this concert!









Anyway, folks, please have a listen and let me know if you'll vote P-Groove on Friday October 26th!

Walking in Place:


TSMM:


Three Weeks:


Sorry about the poor sound quality bros...

www.pgrove.com

Lights on

Thanks to The Big Lead for Pointing this story out to old CM...apparently Shawne, (Self-Proclaimed) "Lights Out" Merriman is taking the slow boat to Chester Town. Old LO is putting the R back into Racecar (palindrome), Mr. 56 just took the 8 o'clock Train to the Whistle Stop, where he got a Cold Cut Sub, asked for extra cheese, nuked it in the microwave, and then put it in the fridge for seven minutes because it was too hot. This Tough Terp just tasted teriyaki Tabasco for the first time and he thinks its terrific! Shawney Boy just (insert line from the book "The Natural" here).

And Kendra, got better at rapping...

Mayostard, Mustardayonnaise, and Mustmayostarayonnaise

Enough Batman Already CM!

I know, I know, but I really liked this press conference question that Most DB bloggers are whining about without citing true facts. While I am not one who enjoys Radio banter, pranks and stunts, this guy is priceless...

To Belichek: "Champ, Champ Talk about your Beantown offense in the second half. They treated the boys from Big D like a couple of flapper girls who were a little loopy on the old gin and juice."


To Batman "Champ, Champ, Champ talk about the touchdown pass to Donte Stallworth it looked like you two were doing the Jitterbug while the Dallas secondary was doing the Charleston."

If this guy could nail down the 20's accent and throw in a few "see's" and a reference to "Talkie Pictures," my day would have been made bos...





Here is another with Mack Brown:

Paperbo

Not sure if anyone else ever played "Paper Boy," but when you finish a level, the front page of the paper has two seprate articles about paper boys: The Front Page Headline says: Amazing Paper Boy Delivers! Then there is a separate article about how the paper boy Stopped a thief. Is the paper written by the paper boy's mom? Who the F reads a paper which seems to be dedicated to PB's?



Original NES ad:

Only a Pac 10 Team...

...could f this opportunity up. LSU lost last night which prompted me to think, oh great, The pathetic Kyle Boller Spawning "Cal" is going to be at the to of the heap. Enter Oregon State, Stage Right "Not so fast, I'd like to throw my hat into the ring." Cal lost to OSU, prompting another OSU, THE Ohio State to get the bump to number one. While I'm leery of this first place ranking, I have to acknowledge that the Buckeyes certainly deserve the bump to 1st place more then any Pac-10 team, right Snoop?



Speaking of Number Ones, I am watching the Patriots D up the Cowboys, these guys are m-fing unstoppable. Who has Batman? Who the f Has him?



Oh, Ethan, of course. With about 4 minutes left Batman has 5 TEEDS... the announcers are talking about Manning’s Record....

Omar, what do you think about The Cowboy's lame attempt to beat the Patriots?



Thanks Omar, that was both insightful and creative. The Patriots are "The King," and most teams will only get one shot to beat them.

Any advice for Batman as he tries to break your single season TEED record Peyton Manning?



Three Solid points PM!

How about you Paul Walker, Hollywood Dreamboat. Any words for TB?



That Paul Walker! always thinking with his D and not his B...

Patriots

Think Jaws Might like the pats?



What do you thing about that Wayne and Garth?

FU Fox Robot

Well the ravens are playing the Rams today, which means i will be forced to watch fox, possibly the worst network ever. The thing i hate most about fox is the m-fing robot. It's always jumping around, doing calisthenics and pointing at people. Where the f did this stupid robot come from?

One Thing

Does anyone else think this guy is a total D. He used to carry a bag because he had so many things lets listen:



Ok, so 1 Phone for text messaging and one phone for actual phone calls. Did the text-messaging phone not have the capabilities to function as an actual phone? Oh, and he carried a camera around at all times, what is this guy a photographer? Who actually carried a camera prior to cell phone cameras? Are you taking pictures at work? If the I-Phone had a laser attached to it, I wouldn't say, thank god I don't have to carry my laser around anymore.

TLISN: We are here with Stephano, the famous "One Thing" apple commercial guy. So Stephano, what else have you avoided carrying since the advent of the I-Phone?

Stephano: Well, since the I-phone has word processing capabilities, I no longer have to carry this early 1980's computer around with me:


TLISN: I see. So are you a beat writer like Jack Kerouac, always on the go, just writing your story as you travel the country?

Stephano: No. Ha ha. I could see how you made that connection. I am a ferris wheel operator. I used to write out grocery lists and mean letters to enemies in attempts to undermine their morale.
TLISN: Ok, so the computer is gone! Excellent. No you can type up those mean letters and just email them off right away.
Stephano: Yeah I just wrote one.
TLISN: Can we hear it?
Stephano: Sure, Dear Nick Kahn. I see you walking your dog in Canton, (a part of Baltimore City where many young urban professionals live) and I see you walking on the balls of your feet like "I'm the man" and "My dog is s pretty" and "Man I like Meatball subs," and I hate it. You are not cool; on the contrary you’re a dork who likes to read books about economics and study for tests.
TLISN: Wow, that letter was charged with hate. So back on topic what else have you eliminated carrying?
Stephano: Well, since I got the I-Phone and it has a long distance plan I no longer have to carry this old Telegraph operator:



TLISN: That could be quite burdensome...

Sweep the Leg Ebert

M-fing Predators bo...(bah in kahn ton)

M-fing Predators bo.

Recently, Stacy’s friends Michael and Virginia returned from the Peace Corps in Africa (Bling Bang) they stayed at our house and now they are headed to the Appalachian Trail. I wondered, how many predators infest such a land...

CH: We are here on the Appalachian Trail with a childish looking man absolutely doused in honey. How do you feel son?
Child in Honey: About the same as the episode, "To Catch a Predator: Borderline Sugar abuser."
CH: That's fantastic.
Child: Actually, it is a horrible void in my life to which I can only fill with more and more sugar. Haven't you noticed the weight gain?
CH: Anyway, we are here on the Appalachian Trail to catch a real predator. Mother f-ing bears. I mean, what the f are they doing here anyway? Our decoy is a childish twenty something covered in honey as I said before. If old pooh the Christopher Robin kissing mf were here, he would meet with our law enforcement agents standing by! Listen! I think I hear a rustle in the bushes!

A bear walks out of the near by brush...he walks up to the child and begins to lick him.

CH: Sir Bearenstein, can I talk to you for a moment?
Bear: ah hey.
CH: What are you doing here?
Bear: I'm just hanging out.
CH: In the woods?
Bear: Well I live near by, and I smelled honey so I thought I would teach this boy not to wonder into the woods glazed in Honey.
CH: By licking him?
Bear: Well, I thought If I licked him clean, the other 'bad bears' wouldn't smell him.
CH: My name is Chris Hansen and I am doing a show about Bears who eat humans in the woods.
Bear: This is my first time with this type of thing
CH: riiiiight
Bear: ummm...can I leave right now?
CH: Sure, as long as you leave through those two trees over there.

MNF Thoughts

Matchbox 20? Are you f-ing kidding me. Who likes these d's? The only way the music selection could be worse is if MNF invented a band made up of that F-ing "3 Doors Down" band with their stupid "I’m here without you baby" song, Nickleback and Scott Stapp from Creed. It would be like "Temple of the Dog" only this temple would be erected to worship the Dogs sh*t.

The MNF gang summarized most of my thoughts pretty well:
-Tom Brady is a good quarterback
-Randy Moss had attitude problems in the past, but he is good at football
-While the other teams in the league are worried about" Peripherals" the Patriots are concerned with winning
-Trivia: Did you know that The Patriots have recently won 3 super bowls

What they didn't say, (which I would say a few times) was:

NANANANANANANANANANANANANNANANANA...Batman