Champ Bailey Sums up my feelings on Phil "drop the IP" Rivers

“I don't really care for the guy, first of all,” Broncos cornerback Champ Bailey told the Rocky Mountain News yesterday. “He's not a respectable guy right now, because you talk too much trash and do this and that, but you're really not a great player in this league right now. You're surrounded by great players, but you're not a great player. I think he needs to understand where he stands in this league – on his team first and foremost. They've got a lot of classy guys on that team. He kind of represents the classless guy on that team. He's definitely lost my respect.”


If you are unfamiliar with the event, here is the video showing this little bag of d, walking out onto the field and saying "bye baby.":



Phl is a whiny little b. He Threw 19 Touchdowns and 15 interceptions this year. He is the 19th ranked quarterback in the league, which is not even average. This is why I think Champ Bailey is right on the mark.

Gotta Love Gorillas

Xmas

It's that time of year again bose. Throw away your xmas cds, throw a party and throw this playlist on your comp. This is the definitive top ten (ahem, TWELVE: two bonus songs this year)Christmas playlist of Christmas Wye Two Seven. Turn the playlist on and turn off the lights, except for those Christmas lights ;-)

If you can't use a computer, your probably fired from your job...but you can buy the CD by sending your squire to Sir Awesomes court and paying him 9.99, bartering for a service (I am looking for a John Madden translator) or you can straight up swap with me for inelastic goods (staple foods, gasoline to an extent, human blood etc.).

Now without further ado:

The "Celebs" of CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

Number One Defense eh?

Mr. Brady, just effed up the Steelers. The fans were chanting "Gaur-an-tee," presumably because Steelers Safety Anthony Smith gauranteed a Steelers Victory. Somewhere Don Shula is trying to track down Jeff Gillooly.

I'm not sure if I can handle hearing the "'07 Patriots" every time a team begins a season undefeated. Then again, i am effing sick of hearing about the '72 Dolphins toasting every time a team loses.

The American Pie Franchise is going straight to DVD these days, following the chronicles of "Dwight Stiffler" Steves zany Cousin. Here is a page from the script. Was this written by two fourteen year olds? "Cute Hot Girl?"

INT. DORM BATHROOM. DAY
Erik is peeing at a urinal when a CUTE HOT GIRL (ASHLEY) walks in wearing her bathrobe.
Ashley: Wow, this is going to take some getting used to.
Erik turns his head and is shocked and scoots closer to the urinal.
Erik: Um... this is the boy's bathroom.
Ashley: No it's not, it's co-ed. I think the whole dorm is like this.
Ashley puts down her SHOWER CADDY with shampoo and soaps.
Ashley (Con't): Don't worry, I won't peek.
She shields her eyes and goes into the shower and closes the curtain and turns on the shower.
Ashley (Con't): (over the shower) I'm Ashley. What's your name?
Erik: Erik.
Ashley: Nice to meet you Erik. Can you grab my shampoo? It's over there by the sink.
Just then a SUPER HOT GIRL gets out of the adjoining shower soaking wet. Erik looks over. The SUPER HOT GIRL just winks, puts on a tiny silk robe that she doesn't bother to close and saunters out. Erik, following her with his eyes, ends up turning his entire body and PEEING past the urinal and shooting the stream all over Ashley's SHOWER CADDY.
He quickly adjusts back but ends up peeing on his PANT LEG. He looks at the shower caddy dripping with urine and his pants.
Ashley (Con't): Erik? A little help here?
She peeks out of the shower stall and he's GONE.

-So, the Ravens suck. The Orioles Suck. I decided to compile a list of things that don't suck.

Aaron Rodgers Hair:



By the way, is Aaron Rodgers serious? Did he decide to grow it out one inch for every draft posistion he fell?






-The Wire is coming back in early January. Best show on TeeVee bar none.



Oh man, that McNulty sure is a booze hound. I hope The Bunk Joins him.

-Hedberg Ornaments

At the begining of the college football season, Arizona State Quarterback Rudy Carpenter said,

"I might not have a lot of TD passes through the year, but I'll probably have at least five or six against UofA..."

Way to be modest. Now you don't get a BCS bid. Karma is a B. Two touchdowns bo.

I have to admit, the Pitt WVU game surprised the s out of me bose. Four touchdown favorites! However, was anyone surprised by the Oklahoma Missouri score? Did you really drink the Chase Daniel juice?


I tell you what Juice I am f-ing not drinking is this f-ing Colt Brennan garbage juice. That's right, its the GJ...the Garbage Juice! Hawaii coach Jim Jones just came on ESPN and advised that TT couldn't handle the Hawaii system. What's the Hawaii system? Playing in the WAC? Hawaii's strength of schedule was 118, while Florida's was 12. TT's QB rating was 177.8. CB's was 166.3. TT has 51 overall touchdowns CBhas 46. So, while Colt was ripping teams like New Mexico State and Idaho TT was destroying the SEC. I am going to go out on a limb here, Georgia 37, Hawaii 17, Colt Brennan eventually becomes a New Orleans minister.

Speaking of Georgia, I guess thay are pretty upset about being leaped by LSU. Did you know that VA Tech is number one in the Comp rankings? This S sucks bo. Who the eff knows who the best team in CFB is. The BCS should esad. Its all about the money bose.

BQ S-Dub Com:



Yeah...um, we checked, and your not busy at all on Sunday, so we're going to need you to go ahead and deliver those subs...

I'll be at the Ravens Patriots game tomorrow. Look for the guy wearing the ravens jersey bose.

Well Done Sports Media

After I learned that the Sean Taylor death was probably accidental, (a botched robbery) by four kids who tried to rob a vacant home I became even more enraged with the sports media. Every sports writer claimed that they didn't want to "jump to conclusions" in one paragraph and littered the next with "its not shocking" or "he led a checkered past." It would seem to me at this juncture in the story that Mr. Taylor passed away because he was wealthy, and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm sure these kids new they were robbing Sean Taylor’s house, but not because they had some beef with him lingering from his past. In actuality, if you were going to rob a house, picking a professional football players home probably makes a lot of sense because their salaries are large and published everywhere.


Leonard Shapiro, Washington Post:

"Still, could anyone honestly say they never saw this coming? You'd have to be blind not to consider Taylor's checkered past. It was only a few months after he was drafted, when we got something of an inkling of what sort of young man the Redskins were selecting out of the University of Miami with the fifth overall selection in 2004.

For one, Taylor brazenly skipped the rookie symposium he was required to attend his first year, and was fined accordingly by the NFL. You also can look at the timeline of his professional life printed on this web site or in the newspaper and draw your own preliminary conclusions.

Over the first few years Taylor was in the league, he bounced from one scrape to another, blowing off the symposium, disrespecting Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs by not showing up for mandatory offseason workouts and never calling to explain why, running afoul of the law in a widely reported shooting incident in South Florida and very nearly going to jail.

On the field, Taylor often was a thoroughly undisciplined player who loved to make bold statements with vicious and often dangerous hits that occasionally got him tossed from games. Clearly, he seemed to embrace the thug image on and off the field, and the fact that he rarely spoke to members of the media only enhanced his reputation as a moody, enigmatic athlete we hardly ever got to know.

"

From this drivel, it would seem that the primary suspect in the case is Joe Gibbs. Lets sum up his "Checkered past."

1. Blew off a Rookie NFL Symposium
2. Didn't show up for practices
3. Was tossed out of games occasionally for vicious hits (this seems to be 100% fake. Tossed from games occasionally for vicious hits? Occasionally means 1 or more right? Not zero times)

Mike Wilbon, Washington Post>

"Taylor grew up in a violent world, embraced it, claimed it, loved to run in it and refused to divorce himself from it. He ain't the first and won't be the last. We have no idea what happened, or if what we know now will be revised later. It's sad, yes, but hardly surprising."

This was a tragedy, and Media speculation has only made it worse. That’s all I will say about this topic.

ACC D's Clemsons D

Well the All ACC Team came out today, and you will notice that my main man Cullen "Heisman '08" Harper is on the second team. Honestly, I wasn't that disappointed even though Cullen has more overall Touch Downs with 30 (27 Pass and 3 Rush) to Matt Ryans 28. Even though at 6 to Matt Ryan’s 16, he has 72.5% less interceptions. Yes and even though he has a better QB rating, 146.9 to Matt Ryan’s 130.7. Even with all of these stats, I wasn't shocked with the pick of Matt Ryan, over Cullen, I expected it. What did shock me was the Clemson was totally snubbed on First team Defense. Not one player from the Nations Number 5 Defense made the cut. Perhaps the Tigers don't have any singular statistical studs, but they got heart bose.

Speaking of stats, I rather enjoyed this article from The Big Lead in regard to kicking to Devin Hester. Unless you have been living under a TBS' Move & a Make Over ("Snow Day" is actually Pretty Sweet) you will realize the Devin Hester is one of the most dynamic special teams players ever. The Big Lead Writers take an ESPN columnist to task because he says that you would be better off kicking to Hester then Kicking away from Hester based on starting field position. Basically, if you kick away from Hester the Bears average starting spot is 5 yards better. The Big Lead argues that 5 yards with Rex Grossman at the helm doesn't mean a thing.

Enough summary, you can read the article by pressing the link. I would like to throw my analogous hat into the ring. This argument (Kicking To Hester is more effective then not) is like saying with the game on the line, you should make sure Michael Jordan Gets the ball behind the 3 Point arc because his career average is .327 so there is a 77.3 percent chance he will miss the shot. Irregardless of stats, i am guessing that Broncos Fans are wishing they had kicked the ball away from Hester yesterday as he accounted for two touchdowns in an overtime game.


Welcome back Ricky Williams . Six carries, fifteen yards, a lost fumble and a hurt shoulder have what this mini article calls "Pseudo-intellectuals" reeling. Luckily, our league doesn't have any Holden Caulfield loving PI's.




I am thinking about organizing a Ski trip this Christmas, anyone interested?

Yeah, F you Mark May and Lou Holtz...

Yes, it is Are-Kan-Saw Mr. Miles, a team you just got D'ed by. Yet despite losing to an unranked team, LSU only falls four spots to number 5. Why doesn't VT leap LSU after beating Virginia, a ranked team? Oh, thats right, because Les Miles is a magic man. Well, lets see if Mr. Miles can trick his way past Tennesee with his INT (11) prone QB, Matt Flynn.


In regard to Darren McFadden winning the Heis-dog, he's has had a great season, in fact, he has had a season almost identical to Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman winning season. But in order to give McFadden the Heisman, the powers that be would have to ignore TT's 51 touchdowns and nearly 4,000 yards. This could happen though, because the powers that be are dumbos. They are like Lucas in awe of an effing Cicada with bad quarterbacks.




Girl: Ewww, What is that?
The Dumbos: That's a Colt Brennan, he has 33 Touch Downs against formidable opponens such as Northern Colorado, Utah State, and San Jose State. He is a Heisman Contender baby!
Girl: But he plays in the WAC, get rid of him!
The Dumbos: You won't see another one like him for seventeen years.
Girl:: Wow, your really know how to find a hidden gem.

(Oh yeah Lucas, I'll never see one again for another 17 years? How about the 17 million buzzing around this joint right now. They're effing everywhere!)

If TT doesn't win this year, it will be worse then 2001 when another Gator sophomore with excellent numbers lost the Heisman to an opponent with inferior numbers. EC had more INT's then passing TD's...look it up bo. (OK, so he had 18 rushing TD's. Still did not equal RG's stats.)

The point is, giving the H-dog to anyone besides TT would be like giving the MVP to Joe Addai instead of LT last season in the NFL. If TT doesn't win the H-dog, the Dumbos will be in effect, "Giving Him the business:" (42 seconds in)



Thanks to The Big Lead for the clip!

Happy Thanksgiving Bose

Hello all of you loyal readers out there, and a happy thanksgiving to you all. Many people would choose this moment to bid adieu with an Adam Sandler Video, but in the Awesome household my uncle Chris Cross tells us a story each thanksgiving. It all began in 1992, when after The Kriss Kross Album Totally Krossed Out began to sell like Gangbusters and my Uncle Chris Cross didn't have the time or the attitude for that matter, to wear his clothes backwards and refer to things as "Wiggity-Wack."

So, in order to reclaim his name, he began to tell this story.

Uncle Chris Cross: Gather round. Listen, It is the night, and my body is weak. I am on the run, and I don't have any time to sleep.
Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Uncle Chris Cross, why are you speaking in the present? Aren't stories supposed to take place in the past?
Uncle Chris Cross: Good question Sir Awesome, very intuitive. I can see why the queen decided to Knight you at such a young age now. Well, I am speaking grammatically incorrectly because I want you to feel like you are there, like the story is happening right now.
Sir Awesome Circa 1994: You could have said "Dramatic Effect" to sum it up Uncle Chris Cross.
Uncle Chris Cross: Shut up Sir Awesome. You might be a 10 year old Knight, but I wrote the Theme to "Arthur." Dudley Moore is an American Icon. Now, where was I.
Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Your on the run, your weak and you can't sleep.
Uncle Chris Cross: Right, I remember it now. I have got to Ride like the wind to be free again, because I have such a long way to go to make it to the border of Mexico.
Sir Awesome Circa 1994: What's in Mexico?
Uncle Chris Cross: I am getting there Jerk! Ok, so I am not sure if you know this, but I am the sun of a lawless man.
Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Grandpa?
Uncle Chris Cross: Yes, Grandpa.
Sir Awesome Circa 1994: Grandpa was a cop, so in actuality, he was full of law, he was a law-FUL man.
Uncle Chris Cross: Listen Sir Awesome, you don't know him like I do, and he is a bad mofo. You weren't around in the 70's when the Fit hit the Shan. Anyway, because your grandpa was such a lawless man, I always spoke with a gun in my hand. I have lived nine lives and gunned down ten. I'm going to ride like the wind.
Sir Awesome Circa 1994: This story sucks. By the way, Uncle Chris, my mom says that its your job to warm up the casserole right mom?
Sir Awesome's Mom: That's right sweetie, Warm it up Chris.
Uncle Chris Cross: I'm about to.
Sir Awesome: My dad says you aren't good at cooking and that you won't be able to, Warm it up Chris
Uncle Chris Cross: That's what I was born to do!

And here is Chris Cross Telling his tale of flying like the wind:




and the SCTV classic to take us out...




Happy Thanksgiving Bose. If you have to drive this Holiday season, for god sakes stop using your I Phone to look up your bosses fiancés name on their wedding website. Oh, and guy discreetly putting on deodorant in the left lane, don’t do that please! But, if you are say sitting in the front seat, if you are someone’s passenger, be sure to Ride like the wind!

Sundee Sundee Sundee (The Day I will be seeing you bose)

I am a hollow shell of the man I was on Friday leaving work.

Fellow Employee: "Happy Friday!"
CM: "It's already Monday..."
Fellow Employee: tear

So, I guess I should start with Clemson. Eff You Clemson. You got my hopes up and brought me back down to earth in the course of three hours. During the first drive, I was booking my plane tickets to Jax, but you toyed with me so. Sacking the es out of Matt Ryan, who is in fact KJ's (KJ Ryan is my college roommate) cousin who pees the bed if he has too many Pepsi’s):



So, the ultimate db beat the ultimate BF (Bowden Failure). Now Tiger Fans have The Gamecocks to look forward too. With a name like "Gamecock," you would think that making fun of them would be quite easy. If I called somebody a Gamecock, they would probably offer me a sandwich. A knuckle sandwich that is. I almost feel like I should write GC instead of Gamecock for our younger readers. Seriously bose, WTF is a gamecock? A rooster that fights? According to Wikipedia "A gamecock is a strong, colorful, and territorial type of rooster, or fowl, bred for cockfighting." I wish the symbol that encompassed my own institution of higher learning was bred for cockfighting also. You don't see enough cock fights these days, what’s that? Oh, cockfighting is illegal in 47 states? Wow. Where is it legal? New Mexico, Louisiana, and Oklahoma? Well done Local Governments!

Ah, but I digress. So, Tiger Fans, are you ready for Click Clack? This shirt sure is. What the ef is this BS? "Choke: The official drink of South Carolina Football." I mean they call themselves "The Cocks" and you come up with some lame rhyme joke? How about this shirt I just made up in my head (Sir Awesome is just that good): . "Cocks: Thats what you guys are." I think my shirt is much more poignant. Besides, the other shirt isn't even accurate because everyone knows that the official drink of South Carolina football is Cheerwine.


No sir, they sure don't sound like they are from Charlotte. For all you "Yankees" who have never had the pleasure of enjoying Cheerwine, it isn't some drink that predators bring to intoxicate there potential victims...

Chris Hansen: "I see you brought some, Cheer Wine? What is that, a wine made for kids like those flavored camel cigarettes? What do you have planned here?"
Predator: "Nah bo, it aint like that. You wouldn't understand, it’s a Carolina thing."
Chris Hansen: "Are these nude photos you sent this young girl a Carolina thing also? My name is Chris Hansen, and we're doing a show about people who try to have relations with minors."
Predator: "Now wait just a second here. She said she was fourteen."
Chris Hansen: "That's correct."
Predator: "Well you must not be familiar with the Constitution of South Carolina. Most notably section 33."

SC CONSTITUTION SECTION 33. Age of consent. -- No unmarried woman shall legally consent to sexual intercourse who shall not have attained the age of fourteen years. (1999 Act No. 3, Section 1, eff February 16, 1999)


Again, I digress. Many apologies. Cheerwine is drink found almost exclusively in the south. It tastes sort of like carbonated cough medicine, and the brilliant sales people behind the pitiful punch, have eliminated the north east as a potential soda drinking demographic.

Ok, so Clemson lost. Cullen, you are not the man now dog. Nor are you a swan that should be feared as daddy Harper said.

Next topic. The Ravens. I must admit, despite the loss, 2nd half Kyle Boller wasn't half bad. He was no super hero out there but he certainly played much better then Air Mac, the anti-hero. Maybe we should pick up McNabb in two years and McNair and McNabb can open a restaurant called McNo Gouda.

Woe is me, the Ravens just got swept by the Cleveland Browns. I wondered why the Browns think of themselves as Dogs. Again, i called onWikipedia, who advised that a

"fan contest was conducted to determine the name of the team, with the most popular choice being "Panthers." However, Brown objected to the name after finding out it had been used by a semipro team in the city—one that had a reputation as a chronic loser. This prompted a second contest to choose a name befitting a champion.[1] The Browns say this contest yielded the nickname "Brown Bombers"—after reigning heavyweight champion Joe Louis—and was shortened to "Browns" for the convenience of headline writers. However, to this day, rumors persist that the team was named after Paul Brown himself."

So, no reference to dogs there. In fact the same Wikipedia article also advised that for a time, the Browns were represented by "Brownie the Elf." So, instead of "The Dog Pound" I suppose that Browns fans should be in "Santa's Work Shop."

So, we have the chargers next, and its funny because Phil drop the (ip) Rivers reminds me of an elf. More specifically Herbie the elf who wants to be a dentist in "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." The Chargers just lost to Jax, and the fans are wondering, why did we fire a coach who had us at 14-2? I really hope we beat these DB's and that LT throws some touchdown passes to AG. (Fantasy points bose). The good thing is, I will be in Costa Rica when the Patriots D up the (Insert Crappy NFC Team Here) in the Superbowl this year. Go 2008 Ravens. Can we start trading up now to get Tebow in the 2009 draft?

Seriously folks, 20 rushing teeds and 26 passing teeds and people are like, "Matt Ryan, is Heisman candidate" or "That Chase Daniel is something else." ESPN even lists Dennis Dixon as the Heisman front runner at the time this entry "went to press." DOUBLE EWE TEE EFF. If the Heisman was given in the NFL these dolts would probably say “I like that Tony Romo Fellow, with Matt Hasselbeck a close second and Tom Brady bringing up the rear in third.” Now I know TT wears Jorts but he effing awesome. He is going to D up the SEC next year. Fortunately for another College roommate Doug "The Natural Disaster" Flood, I think the Gators have another championship in them...or two...





On a side note, I also learned that "Choke" is the official drink of FSU Football. More evidence that Cheerwine and not "Choke" is the official drink of South Carolina Football. When I wrote to the T shirt people for a comment in regard to their fact checking, the T-Shirt people sent me back this shirt:







I would like to leave you with this commercial that I see about 13 times during any given television watching session for the Hybrid Ford Escape.

I think the commercial should have played out like this:
Dad: "This is a Hybrid."
Daughter: "It is?"
Dad: "How old are you again?"
Daughter: "13."
Dad: "And you haven't noticed the word "Hybrid" all over the car?"
Daughter: "No, I guess I haven't."
Dad: defeated sigh


I'ts already Monday Bose...

PS The Pac 10 is No Gouda

Anybody else watching Arizona D up "#2" Oregon? My favorite part of the game? Learning that Ryan Leaf hasa brother (Brady Leaf is in to spell an injured Dixon).

Peyton, what do you think about RL?

ESPN

I was thinking about the Plight ofthe raves, and I think that Ray Lewis should come out to the sweet sounds of The APP instead of Phil collines:





Holy heck! ESPN is ruining my life. I turned on “College Football Live” To hear about my main man Cullen Harper. Instead, the Defensive Backs at ESPN are dedicating about three hours to Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez, two people that I couldn’t care less about. Behind the music KNOTB would be more intriguing then this drivel.

In regard to Bonds: Why the F are these guys so shocked that Barry Bonds took steroids? Have they been living in a hole for the past four years? No, they have been living in ESPN where they talk about BB more the Giuliani talks about 9/11 (whoa…political banter…watch out). Seriously though, who gives a flock? This would be like if Rolling Stone the magazine dedicated an entire issue to Keith Richards being indicted for excessive substance abuse.

In regard to the Rod: This is no news. So he gets paid a lot of money. The CEO of Goldman Sachs just took home 75 Million bucks, as a bonus, for one year. This was nothing but a footnote in a wall street journal article. I suppose a better example is Stan O’Neal from Merrill who walked with 161 Million, after being fired, since A-Rod is never going to win the Series. The point is, why do we have to talk about these two non-issues when CFB is at the peak of awesomeness?

Ok, I got that off my chest. ESPN has a temporary stay from my list of Defensive Backs because of the afore mentioned article about Cullen Harper. My favorite part is when Cullen’s Dad Jeff said that Cullen is “like a swan going across a lake. He looks beautiful, but don't push him too hard, because he'll come back at you." Who knew that Jeff Harper is a master of simile? The part of the article I hated was when the write captioned a photo saying that “Matt Ryan get [sic] all the pub, but Cullen Harper is putting up equally impressive stats.” Equally impressive? He has excessively superior stats bose. One third of the INT’s, a better passer rating, a better completion percentage, etc. That’s like saying, hey CM, I heard you saw “The Departed” and “Crossroads Featuring Britney Spears” what did you think of the two? “Equally Impressive.”
I already know that the ES-PEN DB’s are going harp on Matt Ryan (Harp-Pun) and how good he is and how he came out of nowhere and how he gets good grades and how on Tuesdays he and his roommate eat a Boston Market because they like chicken, and isn’t Ironicthat they go to BC and eat at BM, and I will be yelling at the TV “That’s not Ironic, do you know what Ironic means?” Then they will continue on the incorrect aside. “Well its really not Ironic because BM started in Boston…” At some pint Matt Ryan will make an average skilled pass on a roll out to an open receiver due to some blown coverage and they will say “Are You Kidding Me?”



Even though all of that will transpire, I will be glued to the TV. They will show Tillman Hall:





















Later they will show The Esso:











They may even show the amphitheater!












I am totally pumped.

Cullen, if you win, then YTMDN:

How BOWT dem Tigers (see you at Triple T's after the game)

How’s about them Raves…We are about as substantial as our namesake during his prime (EAP wasn’t successful in life uneducated bose) however what we lack in playoff contention, we make up for in Hilariousness…



Seriously, sucking at Pro football has given me my life back. I pay attention to my children on Sundays…I am not hung-over at work on Monday and Tuesdays and best of all, I can enjoy the fighting Tigers of CLEMPSON again. C-L-E-M-P-S-O….roll that hand…NNNN. Seriously folks, its about time we beat Boston College and win the ACC title.

I thought about heading down to old CLEMPSON for some Triple T’s, (Tiger Town Tavern: a local establishment offering beer and wine) I think my friend Nick Post has been in there playing trivia for the past seven years (go streak).

Or perhaps TD’s (Touch Downs for the lay person)
Another fine establishment featuring fun fights and my favorite fandom!

And so you will note that Gameday has chosen OSU Michigan for their location this week and is it any wonder why?









Seriously folks, should the premier game of the week feature two oddly ranked teams coming off pathetic losses?

Team one is Michigan, possibly the worst story in History. You couldn’t sell this story to the networks engulfed in the writers strike (I have hilarious and concrete thoughts about this so called strike to follow…if you didn’t already know, “ Dancing With the Stars is Number 1 this entire season by a lot…well done over-paid under-talented writers. The Studios are in the midst of hiring Brits who are 17.5 times funnier anyway. Oh, how will they write “The Office?” The way it was intended to be written, funny.)

Team two is OSU, who jus got Juiced! These guys are about as good as the Browns
Scale:
LSU = Colts
Gators = Patriots in ’06 – watch the F out Bose!

The point is, that we should all join the CM in rooting on those Clempson Tigers. If the Tigers win, Con Man and his good friend Kahn Mahn, have pledged to ditch work, board a sailboat headed for destiny and watch those Tigers destroy the Hokies upon the Only North American River which flows from south to north (St. Johns River moron, what were you raised by river hating defensive backs?)

Mollster

Hey Molly...What's going on? Can you please tell me, WHY THE F YOU ARE ON THE ELEVATOR BY YOURSELF???

Cullen Harper For Heisman

Its November folks, so let’s talk turkey. I am pretty sure that all your defensive backs have been riding the ESPN train of D, buying the BS that Matt Ryan is among the Heisman elite. I even heard somebody say the M.R. is going to be drafted by Miami. I can’t say it surprises me as most of you think the Phil (lose the ip) Rivers is Batman Jr.

(On a side note, PR, and the Chargers are like the Backstreet boys without JT. They make some crappy romantic comedy (“On the Line”) and spend their BSB royalties checks on failed space attempts.)

Needless to say, I am not an MR fan. CFB analysts seem to flock to the QB on any undefeated team and brand him as a Heisman Candidate. Well, the fact is, that Matt Ryan is not the best player in CFB, he is not the best QB in CFB, he isn’t even the best QB in the ACC. Not only does Cullen’s TD to INT ratio blow MR’s out of the water, his QB rating and completion percentage does also. All the while, being sacked twice as much. That’s right folks, CH doesn’t have 3 minutes to throw the ball every time. So not only is CH a better player, lets face it, Cullen Harper is just ultimately...sweeter...

Nancy Grace Gives Birth to Twins...

...and immediately berates them in a condescending tone.

NG: "Hello boy baby, what do you think about Lindsay Lohan drinking underage?"
BB: (Crying) no audible words.
NG: "Whaa, Whaa, cry baby. Girl Baby, do you think Britney Spears should be aloud to take care of people your age or slightly older?"
GB: (Crying)
NG: "More of the same eh Girl baby? That’s a compound cry! You have already disappointed me. I feel like you are already sixteen and we are discussing your impending DUI trial. Doc, hey Doctor. What are the chances of getting a TV crew in here? I heard George Clooney and Fabio got in a shoving match and I am dying to get some Law Experts on the phone to ask them meaningless questions in order to belittle them in front of a modest cable audience."

Nancy Grace Gives Birth to Twins

How 'bout dem Raves Bose (tm)

Hello all you three people who read this Blog...Are you upset because Peyton Manning runs your life? Down in the dumps because the P-Man invades your living room without cause or warning during every seven minutes?


Well...how about dem Ravens Bo? Who could have thought that a 13-3 season would be followed by this disdainful poor excuse for a bad team? Such bliss from a year ago has been met with utter blithe. I have gotten to the point where I no longer care if the Ravens win or lose…Who am I kidding? Oh raucous Ravens, please return to mediocre form. I knew I should have liquidated my Stock Portfolio and invested it in the T-Shirts I saw at Artscape, “He may not be a pro bowler, but I’m Pro Boller.” Those babies are going to sell like hot cakes on Fat Tuesday. All of Bawl More is going to be wishing they had KB back, or even, dare I say it Trent Dilfer?

Let’s face it, Air McNair has been pumped so many times by the NFL that he is nothing but a once beloved cultural Icon.

I must admit, at first glance I too was enthralled by his airness. But know, every time our offense gets the ball I clench my teeth as if I am being forced to kiss a golden retriever (Sorry Molly). It’s not even that SM is old; he makes mental mistakes as if he were a rookie. When he lost his first fumble Monday night, it looked like he forgot he was being flushed from the pocket under pressure.

In all seriousness though, the Ravens poor season has caused a pit in my soul that can only be filled by…a cheeseburger. Not any cheeseburger though. I am so sick of those burgers with hot lettuce and tomato on top. If only there were a way to keep my meat and cheese hot and my vegetable/fruit (tomato is a fruit bro) combo cold. But how? A-ha! Perhaps if the burger delivery method had two separate compartments to keep the Meat hot and the Toppings cool, then I could winter the blustery storm of cold this football season has wrought in Baltimore.

CM Dishes set Pumpkin for Halloween fun

I'm not quite sure how you spent your tuesday night but I....








Carved a Sick Pumpkin. Next on my carving list...47 Pumpkins expressing a sampling of Brian Billicks Facial Expressions during press conferences...

Your Here to F Us

NSFW Audio

Sunday In Review

Well, by now you all or settling into your pre-Monday depression modes. Barring a Week 7 like Seahawks defense performance, I just got D-ed up by Team Phillips... I'm watching the Red Sox grind out a World Series victory. .I am such a hypocrite that I f-ing hate the Red Sox but I love watching the Pats dominate the League. I would actually be happy if the Patriots won the next seven Superbowl’s and Roger Goodell would have to pay Tom Brady in Pirate Treasure to get him to retire so another team could win the big game. I think my hatred for the sox stems from the fact that the baseball season is ridiculously long. I feel like its spring training already and that guy from work is already talking about the “Bo-Sox,” but he is from Spartanburg South Carolina; stick to the River Dogs Boseph.


Thanks are in order as usual to The Big Lead for alerting me to the presence of this British Streaker. The NFL is trying to reach a whole new demographic of people outside the United States. If they are successful, NASCAR is sure to follow along with the phrase “GET ‘R DONE” replacing the current “Brilliant.”

The Tigers are back in the Top 25 setting up a late season melt down. I was impressed with our running game against Maryland’s pathetic Defense but with the Loss of Jacoby Ford, our best receiver and Future Olympian I worry that Tyler Grisham won’t be able to pick up the slack. The Tigers are famous for ending the season on a low note and it seems as if this year will be the same. Can I transfer my diploma to an SEC school purely for sports and keep my Clemson diploma for academic purposes?


The college B-Ball coaches’ poll came out and North Carolina is at the top of the heap. I think this is because Roy Williams keeps a copious amount of Coke around and Coke builds strong bones.



A-Rod Just D-ed up the Yankees bo’s. He opted out of his contract. This World Series is so boring that the announcers are zooming in on John Henry who is smiling and talking on the phone and wondering if he is going to acquire the Rod. Maybe he’s smiling because he is about to win the World Series Joe Buck.

Gators Not looking so hot...

Cocktail party was a bust yesterday for Te Bro and Co.

This video relates to the Auburn game:

I wish there was a transcript to go along with this video. I personally Like "Get lod you GD college Kids, you f-ing drink all the time down there...get f-ing loud."

Sunday Sunday Sunday (Extreme Video Edition)

Ok. So the manager’s league not was pretty disparaging to Mr. Childress Childs. But as the old Song goes….



I used to have the video of this game, and the pile on was fantastic. One player actually ran over to the pile on and completely faked it. He sort of patted somebody’s back and gave him a hug. Priceless stuff.

High School still runs my life as you all know, I call you for money on a quarterly basis, and then I take that money and use it to buy turf fields. EMH and I were just at the old glorious SP and the girls school is turfing the S out of the place. Eventually the entire campus is going to be turf so when they send recruiters to the MYLA all star game they can say, "wouldn’t you rather go to a school made up of 100% turf?" Talk about competitive advantage.

Typical Sunday Ramblings:

Come on Kahn Mahn, Sing it with me…



Come on Kahn Mahn, Say it with me:

Virgacolamento Flagantonio

No Way, thats a Touch Down! Tigers Win! Tigers Win!

Not those Tigers bo's...The Trinity Tigers

Blah

The Hokies D is totally d-ing up Matt Ryan but they only lead 7-0 at the half. Matt Ryan is Ryan Leaf Jr. by the way. His career will not even amount to that of RL's.

RL:


NCAA analysts are going to JO when they talk about him this spring, so I am taking bets from all you MKJ (Calvert Hall Alum) deciples on the over under for Matt Ryans NFL Games Started: 37.

F U Mass Holes

1.Redsox Win '07 World Series
2. Patriots win '08 NFL Championship (barring Peyton Manning Jeff Gillooly Scenario)
3. Celtics Got KG
4. BC is undefeated (Until Eddie Royal takes a d on their c's)
5. I understand that you have an accent, but don't be so f-ing overzealous...your dropping your 'R's like the guy at work who says "I'm so sick, god, why did I come to work today, blah blah blah."
6. Your getting Free furniture to top it off?

I first heard about this story on Marketplace and now I have seen DB bloggers talking about thi son the net. "Man, you bet 500 on the sox to win "Say they make $1000 in revenues. Bet $500 on Sox... if Sox win, they get (at current 6/1 odds) $3000 on their bet minus the $1000 they owe back to people. If Sox lose, they get the $1000 revenues less the $500 wager. Can't lose..." Hi, how about an insurance policy for a fraction of the cost, not 505 of revenues. Do you understand the principle of cash flows?

Needless to say, I am still reeling from my Get this Popcorn Machine Free if the Baltimore Stallions win the 1996 Grey Cup...

This video is so f-ing aggressive...

If this video doesn't get you ready for Sunday then you don't have a pulse. The utter power of Phil Collins' lyrics along with Don Johnson’s dramatic delivery, are absolutely excellent. Any young red blooded venison jerky eating male would be absolutely fired up by this clip. If you drink seven raw eggs for a mid afternoon snack at work and call your fellow employees DB's when they walk by and this vide doesn't make you excited, you better up the ante on the old oral egg elixir. Remember that scene in Rocky four when does runs to the top of that mountain, and everyone presupposes it’s because his love for Apollo Creed, but in actuality it’s because he watched this video...

"The Time is Now, The Place is Now."

BTW, a place cannot be now. Thanks GMAT!...Well, If you haven't heard, Mr. Mazzone has been fired. While the D's at the Baltimore Examiner assert that Mazzone "never had the chance to succeed" I beg to differ and point out his obvious character flaws (i.e. constantly rocking in dugout, bad grammar, etc.). If you are not familiar with The EX as us locals call the rag, it is the free newspaper run by a Crazy Maniac named Frank Keegan who said of pointing a shot gun at his neighbor holding a three year old child, “I found out you don’t have to commit a crime to be thrown in jail in Baltimore,”. I wish the Baltimore Sun article still existed on this one, because it was very well written. Needless to say, the sports writers at The EX are about as reliable as the Orioles bull pen going into the ninth with a lead.

The Author poorly argues that "Last Friday, the Orioles decided the services of perhaps the best pitching instructor of all-time were no longer needed..." I think the title of "perhaps the best pitching coaches of all time" might be a tad bit overzealous. Oh, and the writer should thank his editor for adding "perhaps," I am sure. Why exactly is Mazzone the best pitching coach of all time? Did he spawn Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux from his loins?

Mazzone had his shot and while everyone complains about Daniel Cabrera, DC he is likely to go the way of Jamie Moyer or David Wells no hitting the s out of someone AFTER departing from a lackluster O's career. Mazzone just couldn't get it done. The End. Pitch Swing Home Run...again.

PS s that picture ominous or what? Bruce Chen?
PSS: I was eating lunch with my bros at Taco Fiesta and we saw Erik Bedard and my bro Eman said "What's up man?" and EB said "What's up." Nice.

Stat Boy is Here to do two things, Drink Some beer and Embarrass TK

I came across this in an outdated Huffington Post article about the White Hose Correspondence dinner and I couldn't resist. SB is already more famous and wealthy then I will ever be, and in this pic, he looks like CM at mothers. Quote of the article has to be: "We have no business being here. The entire purpose is to get as drunk as we can as early as we can." - Not sure who to give credit to for that one as the HP article is rather Vague on this point. Anyway, This one is for you flommy...your love for SB is unrequited.

Jimmy Kimmel Banned from MNF

Salutations are in order to Sports Illustrated for illustrating this story with letters and words, which put together make paragraphs and stories. Jimmy Kimmel has been banned from Monday Night football for taking pot shots at Joe Theisman during the Broadcast. I really don't understand what the issue is. Kimmel was on the program for an extra, ordinary amount of time, and I know this because my bucket of tears and vomit was about six inches deeper then usual at the end of this 'Monday Night Football is hip with the Kids so we bring on awkward celebrities' portion of the program.

Granted, Kimmel was somewhat awkward and risqué for the usually mundane call of Mikey "That’s another First down" Tirico, Tony "The Patriots are here to win" Kornheiser and Ron "What the quarterback has to do is" Jaworski. But isn't that the whole point? Have they ever seen Jimmy Kimmel before? Did some executive at ESPN/ABC say,

ESPN Exec: We need another fresh hep cat to liven up the third quarter.
Smith: Hmm, how about David Palmer, #2 Ranked Squash Player in the world. He has one hell of a drop shot and, by how he can pin his opponents using the nick.
Espn Exec: No Smith, you idiot, these people don't play squash, they watch football, remember? (Silence)...You know I beat David Palmer one time down at the club.
Smith: No way!
ESPN Exec: yeah, he came up to ESPN to talk to us about televising squash. After I old him that the little people wouldn't watch the splendid sport, we went out for cocktails at the club. One thing led to another, and I had him on the court, drunk as skunk.
Smith: Genius sir.
Exec: Yes, yes, exploiting others low tolerance for alcohol, has served my self-esteem well. Just ask the Psi Gai Wai Sorority at Wesleyan, hahaha. But enough with the Chit chat. How are we going to fill that third quarter popular culture? Johnson, any ideas?
Johnson: Well, when I was buying my daughter and her friend’s alcohol I heard one of hem say that she would love to...well, you know, Jimmy Kimmel.
Exec: Excellent! Just the edge we need. Thanks to Johnson’s borderline child neglect, we've got our third quarter!

Though I digress. The point is, Caveat Emptor d's! Market research, Clauses, (contract clauses not Santa's relatives) will get you through this ish. If I was having a birthday part for my six year old son Jon (Jon Mon) I wouldn't book George Carlin to do stand up (I would book the drunk clown from Uncle Buck). If MNF had done any sort of research they would have realized that JK (KJ's Nemesis) came to fame by making prank phone calls and pissing people off. He is a comedian, he talks about things that are funny, (I.E. ESPN D's JT) If they didn't want him to be controversial, they should have A. Had Regis sit in the booth or B. Put a clause in some sort of contract depicting what he wasn't permitted to say. I didn't see any awkward faced intern with a hook off stage left did you? Besides this is the MO of this Awkward MNF celebrity third quarter. Hence the Bucket...


Overall, I didn't care for the third quarter. Not because I thought Kimmel was offensive or classless. Frankly I think that sports time is sports time. No need to muck it up with stumbling celebrities who lack basic sports knowledge. When I want to watch a movie, I make it a Blockbuster night. When I want to drink to much and have an excuse to tell my wife, I watch football. When the waiter brings out chocolate cake I don't ask for a side of Broccoli, its cake time baby. So, ESPN, kindly ban ALL celebrities from my football watching experience and let me be tortured by traditional football hyperboles. Just banning Jimmy Kimmel for tipping the scales of classlessness by the ESPN Standard is out right despicable. I mean Kimmel? It could have been so much worse. Have you met Tom Cruise before?



"So I said, sure, I love Redskin football, why not take a game in. But enough about me and the love of my Life Katie Holmes, star of Dawson’s creek and future mother of my baby... What are you doing here with your bad self? I heard your gonna be in the booth during the third quarter, mixing it up with the guys. Talking about guy stuff like beer and football on racing cars. Can I come?"